Silent Scribbler: Curhat

Showing posts with label Curhat. Show all posts

Setting the record straight

Finally, fall is here. Sigh. The weather is colder now with no sunshine left. There's about two more months left though before winter comes so I am going to enjoy this weather for as long as I can. This week, things have finally settled a bit. I am still though chasing a deadline, while still taking one class. I am not sure if I can reach the deadline, but I am going try my hardest to do it. If things work out, I can sit for my CE next semester.

Academics aside, there's something that I've been meaning to write for the longest time. I deactivated my FB almost a year ago, and I don't miss it at all! I've written before, why I deactivated the account. First and foremost, I was spending too much time on it that I wasn't doing much else. That was not good. Secondly, I felt that people, and I mean people I hardly know were taking an inordinate interest in my life. When this 'nosiness' started to affect and infringe my professional life, that was when I drew the line (e.g. rumors about me were reaching my bosses back home. If it were true, it's OK but it wasn't and it was affecting my job!). If you are a narcissist/exhibitionist, I guess you won't feel that would be much of a problem. But I am rather private (some of you might ask, why have a blog? Well, that can be elaborated in a different post ha ha ha), so I feel that is an invasion of my privacy. There is of course the privacy setting which one can adjust, but after a while, that got tiresome for me. I got tired of filtering my life for a bunch of people I did not care about. It was exhausting, tedious and took time. So the easiest was to just to deactivate the account. I figured I could just log on as usual if I missed it. And so far, I don't. Not even a bit.

Of course the downside is I miss my friends. The close ones that really matter, that is. Turns out, I can still keep in touch with them via e-mail, or even call them via Skype if I feel like it! And yes, the ones that truly appreciated the friendship has put in effort to keep in touch, despite me being without it. I learned to make friends and maintain friendships before it existed, and I found out that I can still do those things without it! Another downside is of course some foolish people creating rumors that I deleted them from my FB account. First of all, that is very childish (yes, somebody did that TO ME, but did I go around spreading rumors about it?). Secondly, why do you assume that you are so important to me that I would spend any amount of negative energy deleting you from my FB? I have better things to do (and come to think of it so should YOU). So get the facts straight, I did not delete you from FB, I deactivated my account. It's funny that you wanted us to not bother you, but you would waste your time in trivial pursuits like spreading lies. Tak penat kah? :-P Oh for those of you contemplating of deactivating your account, this is an interesting read on why one would do so; click here. I don't know if I necessarily agree with all the points, but it was an amusing read. :-)

So overall, while it was fun while it lasted I just don't need it right now. Yes, I do realize that it's rather ironic for an Internet researcher not to have a FB account, but there is always the log on option if I want it back in my life. And there's nothing wrong with you if you are a FB addict, just don't let it rule every aspect of your life. And if you get tired of it and want to try something else, there's always Twitter or Google Plus. He he he.

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It's funny...

"What a classless airhead!"

How fast Ramadhan is going: I can't believe there's less than two weeks left before Raya! Sebab cuti, I've been spending some time catching up on leisurely reading and going on You-tube. Found the P Ramlee documentary directed by Shuhaimi Baba on the History channel. Maybe most of you caught it already. I found it extremely fascinating, and of course sad. It's a classic case of not appreciating something/someone until they are already gone. What's intriguing to me is also the conspiracy theories and allusions to the reasons for his downfall upon returning to Malaysia. I've seen it a couple of times and am still not bored with it. For some interesting titbit on reactions to this documentary, go to this blog. You can read between the lines in the blog post and comment box, and get some clues as to who the author think is a major player in P Ramlee's downfall.

Class is also starting in two weeks. I am only taking one class but I am not really looking forward to it;I have yet to think of a suitable topic for my preliminary paper. Plus, it's my last semester of coursework so I will really be on my own after this. It's hard to keep motivated but I have to keep telling myself that I want to get everything done on time, Insya-Allah...

We also managed to have iftar with an interesting lady here, who really epitomize the meaning of 'sojourner'. Being away from home and family requires every bit of strength you have, and this lady did that with very little support! You are worth ten of them, OK! There are things that I wish I could just ignore, and I am glad somebody agrees with me, and is able to see past the shenanigan, plastic behavior and saccharine smiles. When the idea of 'collectivistic group' is abused so liberally and wantonly, why would you want to be part of it? Her similar tales of woes convinced me that we are doing the right thing.

While I spend the final vestiges of my holiday, I need to clear my head of all rubbish and regroup. Enjoy the rest of Ramadhan, people!

PS: Tajuk post takde kene mengena dgn kandungan blog. Ha ha ha.

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Nak jawab apa ek?

Sigh...

Geramnye!!! (Part Two)

Geramnye!!!

Get to know your blog tag

Letting off steam...

Down with flu

Gua serabut

Sorry for the late and sluggish update. I've been a bit haywire lately. Here are some of the reasons for that:

1. Research proposal & other homework

I've been struggling with my research proposal for one class. It's just a class assignment, so chill some people tell me. But the instructor is someone I would like to work with in the future, so I am trying to do a good job. Plus, she is an expert in my area so I cannot afford to con my way out of this! It's due this Thursday, and I've pretty much got some things done but it's only a first draft. I am sure she will have more comments afterward. We are also just a few weeks away from completing the semester so there are loads of things that are due.

2. The imposter syndrome
I've been dealing with some conflicting emotions lately. My American classmates have been labeling me 'the smart' one (I've heard it from more than one person, including the person I think is the smartest person in class!!) and I don't like it! It puts unnecessary pressure on me and I feel like seriously, I am not as smart as they think I am. I just work a lot harder than them, that's all. Most of them are also teaching at the same time, which is probably why they have less time on their homework. So, please don't call me smart, I'd rather be 'the cute one'. Ha ha ha ha.

3. Disappearing act
I can tell you, it's not working. Heh. My dad e-mailed me yesterday and told me that the Big Boss asked about me. Why did they have to meet!! Aiyo... of all the people to meet at an international reception somewhere why lah did he have to meet my dad. The Big Boss has been cagey lately. If some of you have been following my blog, I did mention that my scholarship was difficult to get and it was almost a last minute thing. Thus, Big Boss feels that I should not fail him by flunking out. Come on, I've just started! Even before I flew he texted me to tell me to not disappoint him. Sigh. It probably didn't help two of my colleagues dropped out after four years of study and was terminated recently. I can tell you they have their own reasons, and I can't help that, can I? Anyway... I think the best way to go is to contact BB every once in a while. Just to let him know I still exist. :-P

4. Lonely...
Yes, I've had bouts of loneliness here. My husband is here and I am eternally grateful for that and I also have my classmates and new friends that I made, so it's not for lack of company. I just really miss all things familiar to me and are now not easily available. You always take things for granted until they are no longer there. Here are the list of things/people I really miss right now:

My parents nagging me 24-7 on a whole load of things! It's weird but I do...
Naim & Ira, for whom I regret not spending enough time with
My brothers, as well as my sister in law
My cute nephew and niece, who will be all grown up by the time I come back
My closest friends, especially Jabs, Emee and the Hs1 gang whom I used to call / meet almost daily!
The smell of roti canai, teh tarik and Uptown Nasi Lemak
Switching on the TV and watching crappy Malay dramas i.e. Nur Kasih!
Cursing KL drivers on the road, people here are so polite when they drive...
Going to OU to watch a movie, just five minutes away at any time I wish
Faces of my naughty students
I also miss the Malaysian sun!!!
Some of my closest colleague at work, especially Dr. B who is my daily gossip companion

It's not all fun and games here. I have a really heavy burden to carry, and hopefully it will get lighter as time goes by. In the meantime, I can always rant about in my blog eh? :-)

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Down but not out

By the pricking of my finger

...I declare that I do not have HIV! :-P I took Friday off to go to a government clinic to get my HIV test done. Since it's only done in the afternoon, I did not see the point of going to work in the morning and fighting the traffic in the afternoon (i.e. Friday prayers jam) to rush back home by 2pm. The clinic I went to was the nearest one to my house, and I didn't even realize that there was one clinic so close to home! And it was huge. And jam packed with people complaining of various ailments.

Luckily, the procedure did not take too long. I had to take a number, but it was not necessary. I was however pushed from one counter to the next and the nurses did not seem to 'enjoy their work' very much. Overworked and underpaid, perhaps? They certainly look brusque and curt; dealing with hundreds of people daily must be taxing. That did not bother me too much, though.

What was funny was how the test was conducted! I expected patients to be ushered into a room, but maybe because we were considered outpatients, we had to stick our hands over the counter and the nurse would prick our finger to take blood samples! And she was so busy gossiping with her colleagues, she missed once and had to do it again. And to add to that, she was so 'careful' with her work that she dropped one big dollop of blood on my HIV form! Aiyoooooooo.....

By the end of 15 minutes, I was glad to get it over and done with. Never again will I go there! :-p Anyway, the amount of paperwork for getting married appears to be quite daunting. No wonder people are NOT rushing to the alter, it can be that discouraging! However, we have to do what we have to do. The paper work is not something anyone should take lightly; without it the marriage cannot be solemnized.

Now, onto my guest list this weekend!

BTW, remember this? Recently, I got an offline YM message from the person involved. I had helped his group mate for an assignment (NOT my class assignment) because I am genuinely fond of that particular student, he was not getting any help from his group mate (including this person involved in my previous post) and to exercise my thesis proposal writing skills! :-P to cut a long story short, this kid wanted to thank me for helping his group. Perhaps he was shell shocked that I helped him (indirectly) despite him being rude to me. Well, it's my duty as a lecturer to guide even though I don't like him for what he did. The sad thing is, he failed to recognize that I will never be personal with him anymore. What I did was out of duty. And at the end of the day, that is all he is to me. Just one student who happend to be in the same faculty. To get things back the way they were is very, very remote. And what he did says volume about what type of person he is, and that is something that he will never admit, EVER.

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Just venting...

... for a bit.

Today, my aura seems to be a bit negative. ***n you!

I don't really experience 'hate' that much. I normally just dislike people's attitude, not who they are in total. And even when I do, I can still generally manage to be civil. And if I dislike someone's attitude, it's usually with someone I care a lot about, so perhaps that's why their behavior evoke such heated reaction from me.

So chalk this case up to an 'outlier' case. :-P I don't even know the person in question that well, I wouldn't call her a 'friend' for instance, perhaps just someone I had the (dis)pleasure of running into once or twice! Why then, does she evoke such negative reaction from me? Hmm... hard to say. Maybe its the way she carries herself. She's overconfident to the point of being arrogant. I've observed that once or twice. She thinks VERY HIGHLY of herself, and I don't know why. She boasts of her 'perfection' to anyone who would listen. Nothing wrong with that, but when it reeks and spills over the normal parameters, and when you tend to insult others or look down on them just because you think of yourself as HIGHLY superior, then there's something wrong there right? A little modesty never hurts anyone, even though you are intelligent there is no need to broadcast it to the whole world.

Another reason why I do NOT wish to associate with her, and another more specific reason why I dislike her is probably due to the fact that she strikes me as being insincere. In one incident, with me, she was caught blatantly in a lie, and she managed to do that very blandly. Tak rasa bersalah langsung. After that, she perhaps realized that I was aware of it, and wanting to back track, she tried to be overfriendly with me. You know, the fake smile, occasional touches on the arm, and pseudo-softened voice (when in fact, I know she speaks very loudly in other instances!!!).... it's just a bit off to me!!! Dan aku tak pernah kacau hidup kau, kenapa ko nak sibuk2 kacau hidup aku????

I havent' thought about her for quite a bit, but having glimpsed someone who looked slightly like her jolted back all the unpleasent memories. Its like you suddenly caught whiff of very putrid smell of garbage, and it spoils your mood for the whole day because you can't get the smell out of your head. Heh.

What is the point of this post? I'm just trying to push it aside. YES it's nothing that big. Nobody can force you to do something you don't like, and in this case, I can just ignore this human being and let her nastiness and her fakeness slide off my back. And YES, there are all kinds of people. Some you just wished would mind their own business and not poke their ugly, Pinnochio noses where it's not wanted!!! Lady, YOU ARE JUST NOT WORTH MY TIME!!!

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When all else fails...

... just sigh. At least, that's what I am doing right now.

It's been a frustrating week. I have been trying my best to cope with the fact that my lap top crashed, and that the PC that they gave me is too damn slow. Alamak, lembap nak mampus! I NEED FASTER HAMSTERS! I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO WAIT FOR MICROSOFT WORD TO OPEN! (whew, that felt better!). It looks like I have to upgrade the RAM if I want it to work better. And to top it off, it took the technician 5 days to reformat my lap top and today, it's still not done yet! When I ask him very nicely about it, he scowled at me as if I had no right to ask such questions. The nerve of that man!

This is a VERY common problem in my faculty. Somehow, the supporting staff does not do any 'supporting'. Instead it's as if we, the academics are supposed to beg for their services. I am really puzzled at how things are run, it's mind boggling and it's also extremely frustrating. For instance, earlier this semester, I found 'alien' students in my class, i.e. I definitely did not sign their registration form! There is a specfic ruling that for all add and drop after a certain period, the student has to ask permission from the lecturer to enter the class. I would not have minded if my class is not 'overflowing' but as it is, the average number is 60. The limit for each class is actually 50. So, the administrator must have added these students in my class without my knowledge. And this other time, the office person designated to print question papers just 'forgot' to print my mid term questions. And when I became so fed up and told him (politely, of course) that I would do it myself, he said: alah, kesian kat awak! (in the most patronizing tone ever!). ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Tech issues is another thing that puzzles me. Granted, all lecturers without a doctorate are not entitled to a lap top. It's supposed to 'motivate' us to work for our PhD, supposedly. But are we NOT entitled to an office PC that works? I don't mind one that is not new, but at least give me one that is servicable!!! Sigh. And why do the techies always act like they are doing me a HUGE favour when I ask for help? Isn't it their job? Why are they allowed to lord it over everyone, when all they do in the tech lab is play games, chat or blog?!!! At first, I thought was just me they were being rude to, seeing as I am young and (seemingly) not needing any respect. Then I heard that they were like that to everyone. Is that supposed to make me feel better?

It is at things like this that I sometimes come to hate my working place (NOT my job, just the place and the way things are run!). And oh! the silly rules that does not seem to make sense, and that those in the administrative post seems to make up at their whim and fancy! I met a highly respected colleague who's away for a while, and she remarked that my lamentations is not new; that is why good, young lecturers she knows have quit because of better offer, frustration at the way the system works and not knowing how to 'beat' the system.

To me, that is a moot point. I've had job offers before from other institutions, but well, seeing as how I am sentimentally loyal (perhaps some people would call foolish) to my university that I am electing to stay. Perhaps it is just sentiments; I just love the halls that I walk past everyday; this place has given so much to me so it's time to give something back. Yes, I know. I am naive and disgustingly idealistic! In the meanwhile, I shall just keep 'harassing' the tech guy to get the job done as soon as possible. Well, no job is perfect, and I suppose if that's my only grouse about my job, I should be thanking my lucky stars. :-)

Jotted by,

Am I being too 'emo'?

Tgh2 sibuk nak prepare untuk GRE, aku masih sempat berdrama. Bukan aku lah tapi ada orang yang berdrama dan dengan itu menyusahkan idup aku. Kalau nak berdrama pun boleh tak jangan libatkan aku? Sigh.

Now, I've had my fair share of students asking me for favours. Usually if it's academic related matter, I will entertain. But if it's a personal favour and bordering on the unethical, I will usually ignore it. Past couple of days, since the results came out, I've had 5-6 students e-mailing or YM-ing me to ask me to check their results. It's no big deal, and their results could not be accessed because the server was too slow, they had financial problems, did not pay compound, etc. So, I make allowances for such students.

Nak dijadikan cerita, ada lah hamba Allah ni tiba2 YM me after I came back from Cherating. I was so tired, I was not thinking straight, and I was worried about my GRE. So when he buzzed me, I was not in the mood. But since he was pretty close to me and I am fond of the kid, when he asked if I could do a favour for him, I said yes without thinking, and expected him to ask me for academic related favour (I was tired!). So, imagine my surprise when he asked me to use the database system to check out some chick's profile that he had the hots for (personal info like birth date, etc). I was like: WHAT THE....?!!!! So I got a bit pissed and told him off. Takkan bende2 macam tu pun nak suruh aku check? Haiya...

And it wasn't even what he asked, it was the way he did it and his reaction when I said 'no'. He is quite arrogant (like I learned from past experience) so when he apologized it was in an offhand, cukup-syarat kind of apology. I could tell he didn't really mean it. But I let it go even though he was very rude to me and told me he was perplexed at me being angry at nothing, and he didn't think he did anything wrong (as usual).

A few days passed. Yesterday, he again sms-ed me wanting me to check his friend's results (not my student but a kid I know) ; but the request was done in a very non-personal way, with a "sorry kalau tak berkenan" remark. I got pissed (again) but did it anyway, and smsed him back, sarcastically remarking: "just because I am pissed at you doesn't mean I should punish someone else". And you know what he said: "Owh really? I don't really care about that!" and again I went: WHAT THE...??!!

This is coming from a kid I happen to care about, have gotten to know his family and even met his parents. This is coming from the kid that I really went out of my way to help when he was in my Intro class; he was not very strong academically and I gave him extra guidance because I saw that he had potential and was hardworking. This is a kid that I listened willingly to his break-up stories (he breaks-up at least once every semester, biasalah cinta monyet... kita dulu pun gitu gak... betul ke? :-P) and was there for him to pick up the pieces. This is the kid that I put up and tolerated his childish antics when things did not go his way. This is also the kid that I think of just as my kid brother. So padan muka aku lah.

But now: enough is enough. I wash my hands off for good. I've had enough. This is where I draw the line between doing my job and my personal life. I am not going to be used like an old hanky at his whim and fancy and be summarily dismissed and tossed out when I've run past my usability date or when I do not give in to his requests. Sometimes, it is better not to care so much; misplaced sense of duty just ends up ruining your abilities to think clearly and it clouds your judgment. Again I say: enough is enough.

Am I being too 'emo'?

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I c.u.r.s.e. you ETS!! (Part Two)

Ina & Acu

Ina and Acu at the Curve: I'm going to miss both of you!!

I taught both of them in 2006. I remember that class vividly because that was my first semester teaching. I was lucky. Being young and 'green' I never felt bullied by that class. They were polite, hardworking and a joy to teach.

Acu caught my attention first. She was the sort of person who was funny 'accidentally'. She did not mean to make jokes but every time she opened her mouth, the class would immediately crack up. He he he he. Ina was the quieter version of Acu. But both of them were nice kids, I remembered.

In their final year, they did their practical in a local news agency. That's when we got close because Acu wanted to write a story on me. We met up for dinner (the three of us) and it got into a habit. Other students wonder why we are close. To me, it's pretty simple. They were the types of students who were sincere, and did not use their friendship with me to ask for something else in return. You rarely see them in my room trying to curry favours and if we did meet up in the canteen they did not expect me to sit down with them just for the sake of being seen with a lecturer. And with them, I can really let my hair down and be relaxed because I know that they are genuinely sincere people.

As time went by, we would meet up occasionally at least once a week. In the process, I've had the opportunity of getting to know them as individuals, not just the two really sweet girls who were my former students. I am sure they've seen sides of me as a person, not just as their former lecturer. It has definitely been a priceless and wonderful experience.

Now they are embarking on a new and challenging journey as young working adults, and leaving the comforting halls of the university. I wish both of you the very best, and I know that you will do well. I also treasure the times that we spent together, and will definitely miss both of you. Do keep in touch, OK?

There will always be a special place in my heart for both of you. :-)

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